Dear Diary,

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They say I'm not as personal as i should be in my blogs.....So I Will Be...

I'm this extra happy all the time, full of life, charismatic, and fun to be around person but when i get home BAM!! Something rains on my parade of rainbows, skittles, and cherry-vanilla ice cream.

I didn't realize how VERY fucked up the world actually is and how VERY fake people were until after i lost Darryl. I guess the death of somebody that close to you can have you re-evaluating shit. I realized alot of people weren't my friends.

Eventually in 2006 a point in my life which i call "The Hype" had me all blinded and shit. I mean, i was happy but my happiness was a mirage(did i spell that right?). I could feel it and it surrounded me and all that other really cliche' shit but....i couldn't touch it. It didn't last. Eventually "The Hype" began wearing off towards the end of the year 06'.

This is where it gets juicy

Yeah all of the "friends" i had were disappearing, i either realized that none of these bitches were friends, or i realized that none of them bitches were friends (don't re-read you read it correctly). I had an argument with one girl for disrespecting Darryl, which is still a sensitive and touchy subject (watch what you say about him), and another female for leaving me after a party At 3am. - (UMMM Bitch that's Brooklyn, alot of strange scary shit happens to people who walk the streets alone in BKLYN) - and another friend who i recently dont talk to because...i just don't want to (nahhh theres some underlying issues i been too busy to identify them)

NOW I HAVE ONE BEST FRIEND Named ....Umm I Don't think she wants her name known
But the capricorn Knows who she is

After i realized people weren't shit and i was being TOO nice to everyone my alter ego (i don't know her name because me and her don't talk to each other) - became a home wrecker and started talking to this guy who had a girlfriend ....who he claimed he dumped. I don't know if his real name was even fucking Jayson (lying summama Bitch)

So me and him went through more shit than Erica Kane from "All My children". Baby Mommas was coming out of no where three months pregnant, mind you we were in this torrent love affair for about 8 months...so yeah. Then he's lying about where he's going, and who he's with, Another baby momma pops up she's a couple of weeks or a month or two pregnant what the fuck??? Long story short Sayonara Sucka! I ran and finally decided to RUN FAST

Love is fucking blind and retarded well the illusion or belief that you've obtained it is......

The illusion of Love will have your ass more handicapped then a Special Ed student with dyslexia and down syndrome on a short yellow bus banging your head against the back of the seat.
NEXT CHAPTER

Soooo i decided to move on and actually heighten my standards. So i went and found me another thug (lmao) ...but THIS TIME...he didn't have a girlfriend That's improvement right? (LMAO, I'm such a cunt).

*SIGH* Instead he had a psychotic Baby mother who just KNEW he still loved her and a best friend who was head over heels in love with him ...i know....i cant fucking win.

Welll long story short because i don't really remember shit about him is that he was a jerk and i don't want to get into too many details because ....fuck his life and the pussy he swam out of.
Present Day

Now ..here i am today with no feelings for men. I still talk to an ex - (One who DIDN'T break my heart..we were together 6 YEARS and because he went off to college i decided it was over because I'm a jealous bitch who is suspicious of every one's motives) - and every now and then we have "sleep overs" most of the time we don't do shit but laugh and watch movies and act like ass holes joking on each other until he falls asleep in the chair and me on the bed.

I believe he's like the perfect guy but ....he's too much like me ...cant be serious. He doesn't show much affection (unless he wants something *Raises Eyebrows*) and that bothers me. I like that mushy shit at least once every 3 months.

I do have an alter ego (she's the home wrecker...not me) and She doesn't have a name. We hardly ever speak. Many people know her and have interacted with her - (I know this because i get funny looks from girls and called a bitch from guys that i don't EVER remember meeting) - So from time to time you miggghhhtttt just be hearing from her and not me. I hope that bitch identifies herself because i don't want you guys thinking any less of me.

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15 Schitzos Talking

Welcome to the club of "letting it out" lol

That friend stuff has my life all over it. I was around a lot of fake ass people. Even to this day I am soft for "friends". Yea I may let them know about them selves but they somehow always made it back "in".

I was a homewrecker at 15/16...imagine that. I didnt know until "after the fact" and because the damage was done... I continued. Not to mention the other girl was someone that walked by my house frequently and I said hello to (pregnant girl..yea it was his) But he was my my lame as substitute for the other lame I had in rikers. So yea girl we ALL have our share.

But my taste in men has change (as yours may too). I was so tarnished by my past and current that I never really "went steady" with anyone longer than a month. I fiance was the first man that I could say was MY MAN! He is educated, ambitious, and employed. No kids and ironically *enforces the law* rather than breaks it.

Ohhh trust me my taste has definitely changed
those two guys were a while ago and right now im DEFINITELY re-evaluating myself and trying to get rid of "Her" (My alter ego) or find a way where me and her can co-exist.

Im in a state where now i dont get into ANY relationships because of SCHOOL and GOALS....

Eventually i'll hopefully find somebody during my back and forth trips to Alabama (school) Atlanta (family) New York (home) And Floida (party/business) EVERY YEAR. And slow down.

......WoW...Thats crazy...when you said jayson and if thats even his real name. I almost hit the floor laughing. because thats exactly how I feel about my ex. lol are you sure hes not from East NEw YORK!! lol just kidding. But its good to let things out. and Let go of the fake ass people because they only bring you down ma....

@ CYN
THAT idiot is from Crown Heights...
one jayson is from crown heights and the other one is from east new york, .....but i dont think he's the same guy he spells his name "Jason"

I need to cut these email notifications cause im on blooger all day. maybe thats why I cant find a venue.

I was tryna keep my mouth about that jayson thing. I knew cyn would find that ironic cause i sure as hell thought it was funny.

You know what? I like this more personal side of you. I indentify more with you now, just by the specific stories you chose to share in this blog. The whole friend thing. I as well only have one best friend, and I've totally got rid of so many others over the past couple of years for various reasons. The love scene for me is so non-existent at the moment. I can't seem to stumble across the right woman for me, they are always attached to a shit load of drama, which is not my cup of tea. So this alter ego of yours will appear at some point huh? Well, I actually want to meet her. I think she'll be intruiging to say the least.

I LIKE THIS BLOG

YEA I HAVE HAD MANY SO CALLED FRIENDS DISAPPEAR OUT MY LIFE TOO..BUT ITS NOTHING

FAMALES BASICALLY AINT NOTHING BUT TROUBLE ANYWAYS

BUT I DO HAVE 3 MAIN BESTFRIENDS..
CANT BE TRUSTING PEOPLE NOW A DAYS!

FEEL ME

wow that's a lot. It's nice that you're so honest. I guess the important part is that you've gotten better, and you make better decisions now.

I really like your blog and look forward to reading more of it :)

P.S. Beyonce-retarded?- HARDLY :)

@A.M. your sooooo fucking rigghhtttt

OMG i just realized how much i've been hating on Bey....
I promise to stop LOL

Sounds like you need to quit messin' w/ them thugs and get you a real man :-P

Dope post though, it's good to get introspective every now and again and it helps us loyal readers get to know you better.

Keep your eyes on your school/career goals and let everything else fall into place, shoot for them stars ma!

Well it is deep. Thank you for sharing. I'm not being fake when I say that.

lol....i´m going to try to improve my english ( i say it right? )
And about your text....so if he is the perfect guy what is the problem?...you know that men don´t show so much affection at all....but maybe he can change for you, who knows!

HEY GIRL, IM SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS I KNOW ITS GOT TO HURT LIKE HELL INSIDE, AND I FEEL YA ON COMMIN HOME AND THINGS JUST FALL APART. I LEARNED THE HARDEST PART IS NOT GETTIN THROUGH THE DAY. ITS FACING YOUR INNER PERSONAL THOUGHTS AT THE END OF THE DAY. I PERSONALLY CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP MOST OF THE NIGHTS.AND I FEEL YA ON GOODBYES ESPECIALLY WI YOUR SITUATION.
AND WHATS UP WIT THESE DUMB AZZ GUYS THAT CAN'T SEE A GOOD THING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THIER FACE. I GUESS THATS WHY THEY FALL INTO THE PAST CATAGORY. KEEP DOIN YOUR THING GIRL I ENJOY READING YOUR BLOGS.

niceeee good always write like this. I feel where you coming from mama...shit sucks at time too many people in this world with too many different feelings its so hard to find somebody who feels like you like all the time... sorry about your lost that can make u see the world at a different view bc ur mind would never have been there if that person was still standing...and for that person who we might see somtimes i want to read her stories..hehe reminds me of the book nervous..love it!! xoxo

man... psh I had to let go of a few bitches like that too.
you just need maybe a fistful of "real" friends, and sometimes not even that. I think a lot of girls have "alter ego's" lol
I know i do... some of your excursions sound like mine !

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