Dear Diary: The Funeral

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I'm sitting here in this hot ass church and i cant focus on how uncomfortable it is in here. I just keep seeing his face. It was fatter than usual and a little darker than i remember. His eyes weren't his eyes, "who put all this fucking make up on his face" i remember thinking to myself. I didn't say it out loud because i couldn't say anything out loud. If i tried to talk i think i would have let everybody have it. I would have went on a cursing, mad woman's rampage in the church. So i sat there, quietly crying, quietly hurting, quietly dying on the inside.

I watched the people as they went up to the casket 1 by 1 and then i turned my head when the bitch with the red jacket and short haircut started yelling his name and falling out all over the casket. I remember thinking, she's not half as hurt as i am by this, who was she anyway?? I wish she would go sit down. I looked off into an empty balcony and smiled because i could see him. He was standing there plain as day, i looked to my left and right to see if anybody else had saw him.

I was alone....only me only i saw him sitting there smiling at me. Someone started yelling again, i couldn't look at them i didn't want to for fear that he would leave. The scream got louder so i turned around because maybe the girl yelling had seen him too. No ....she was yelling because... well some blind man was hitting D's casket with flowers yelling "It Aint Him, It Aint Him". That old man better sit down before he gets his shit rocked I thought to myself and watched as some guys walked to remove the old man.

I turned around quickly to make sure he was still there, and just as i feared he was gone again. He left me a second time, him, his infectious smile, warm hugs and wise words, stuff only a brother could give you. I just closed my eyes and thought back on the times we played together, fought together, laughed together, and just did stupid shit together.

Look, there we are in Gershwin Park wildin' out. Look remember that day at McDonalds On Pennsylvania ave. when you told me i better not eat the Big mac because it was dog meat? LOL OMGGGG Look there we go arguing on Carl's Steps. There your drunk ass go dancing in Angie's Living room to that jamaican song "Wine Gyal Wine Gyal Wine Like A Gypsie" I Used to go in on that song then you would jump up and do your crazy little dance. Ughhh I Hated your bootleg ass Harlem shake Just As Much As I LOVED It Lol. Oh Goodness there goes me and you text messaging our secrets back and forth, can you believe NOBODY knew what we were up to? Theres the day i got mad at you for almost having sex with my friend. I Was mad.

I didn't want to open my eyes because i felt like i would forget him. I didn't want to forget him. I HAD to remember. Next thing i remember...everything was black. I Blacked out because when i came to, the lady next to me was shaking me so hard i thought she was trying to hurt me. The people were all standing and about to have the final viewing. FINAL!.....i hate that word with a passion. I walked out the front door because i needed some fresh air. I needed to breathe because i was choking. I Left, i didn't want to see him laid in a wooden box about to be thrown under dirt like garbage. I Left and i took my memories with me

I Just want to go back and change things, i want to see you here, alive, today.....But.....God's will is God's will and like the Bible says "Thy Will be Done"

This entry was posted on 8:53 PM and is filed under . You can leave a response and follow any responses to this entry through the Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) .

11 Schitzos Talking

GIRL...You are a damn trooper and I'm proud of you doing what you had to do and giving respect in the long run....

Sorry the church was hot!!!:(



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Sorry to hear ma, stay strong and keep ya head up :)

'your it mamas' - check my blog for the tagged post :)

its a tough one heheh

<3 Ju.

I cried (for real) beacause I know how you feel exactly how you feel. Exactly.

My funerals were less dramatic for the simple fact my family has been through it SO MANY TIMES they they are numb. I feel your pain...I always do.

wow that was beautiful. I never read anything like this, as far as a funeral experience. It was very vivid, I saw the whole thing,as I read along.

You are so strong and I admire your strength! Continue to stay strong...



Damnnnnnnn girl...i swear I am in like tears right now..i just felt like I was there. like I could see everything you saw!!! I am so sorry about your loss. your such a passionate writer you have a serious gift!

Wow. Thats all i can say you have me in tears right now, it was straight from the heart, sorry about your loss, i feel your pain.
stay strong, keep blogging

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