"Day after Day seems like I push against the clouds
They just keep blocking out the sun
It seems since I was born
I've wakened every blessed morning
Down on my luck and up against the wind"
I Don't think I can go to anyone else with what i need to talk to you about. I remember the first time i read footprints in the sand, and the serenity prayer.
You truly work in mysterious ways because i was in the bathroom, laid out on the floor, contemplating suicide. The lights off, my face swollen, my eyes red, my body limp. I felt like i couldn't take anymore disappointment from people who i thought loved me, or people who i undoubtedly and unconditionally loved. A Knock at the door....It was my grandmother
"Crissy, hurry up in there"
I stood up and turned on the lights to tell her i would hurry up. And that's when i noticed the two pictures on the wall.
It's ironic because I always thought my grandmother was tripping for even putting them there....in the bathroom?
I Feel like You dealt me a fucked up hand. Crack Head Mother, Absentee pops who thinks he can salvage our relationship with monetary gifts. I Love them both and that's what hurts the most. Loving people even after they've hurt you the worst.
You gave My Grandmother Cancer. My Rock...My Mother, Father, My Everything. I was so hurt when she came to me, tears running down her face but still managing to stand there and look so strong. She told us, we were young God how were we supposed to understand. Cancer?
The same thing that took my other grandmother from this earth. She was my rock too. She was such a pure soul, never said No unless she couldn't do it, she never locked her doors, she took care of the neighborhood's homeless and drug addicts. And YOU Took her from me.
You had my mother coming and leaving. We knew who she was but we didn't know why we should care. I had to fight demons when it came to her. I tried to hate her but it hurt to hate her. I tried to love her, but it hurt to love her. I couldn't win. I chose to love her and still no break.
Then there was the time we were almost homeless....and then God....Darryl. I never been closer to a nigga before him. My best friend, my homie, my brother. I was so hurt. Seeing him in that coffin did something to me. Turned Anti Social, Stopped Talking, Ignoring the world.
I mean, I know i did some fucked up shit. I Know i thought evil thoughts. I'm guilty of cheating, sex before marriage, lying, hurting people, and i believe in Karma but what i did was trivial compared to what i feel like you were doing to me. I know I've been apart of senseless drama, participated in ignorant activities, and did shit that people would NEVER believe i did because they see a sweet girl. They see the exterior but my interior is hurting, ruined, but i still persevere because you say you never give people more than they can handle. I Know I stopped believing, I Know I Gave up on YOU. I Know I Did. But God can You Blame Me?
If Put In My Shoes, Given My Obstacles God, would you have done things differently? If you had to cry my tears, and fear the things i did, and lose the people i lost, would you be able to do things differently?
They say God Never Puts More On You Than You Can Bare.....
If that's right then why niggas out here slitting wrist, overdosing on pills, and jumping from bridges. God i just think you push niggas a little too hard sometimes.
You supposed to be my father, THE father, GOD. I cant believe how fucked up the world is. Baby Sister need to get her mind right, my little brother in the streets following his older brothers chained legged legacy, My niece only 1 years old and I'm already afraid for her future, Big brother don't do his girl right...and he got 4 sisters. Family Secrets being exposed, family keeping secrets from each other, seems like my Mother whose been clean for years is back out there doing her dirt but we can never really tell, and even if it was obvious i think we'd still ignore it and pray it ain't true.
What good is praying though?
None God because i sometimes feel like you not even listening to me when im talking. so maybe if i write you a letter you'll read it. Maybe.
God, I'm Not complaining, I'm simply spitting facts, shit that you already know, but sometimes people can see shit happening and not completely fathom the importance of the issue until its pointed out.
I'm Just pointing it out.
I'm not expecting you to write me back, work miracles, or even aknowledge this letter. I got it off my chest for my sanity. I'm Good Now....I'm Good.