I couldn't believe the shit i was watching. What Just Happened? Pictures flashed in the back of my head of what had just taken place.
The sound of flesh hitting the floor
the smell of death and gun powder
seeing her lay there
lifeless, bleeding, motionless, soundless, ... dead. I wanted to cry, i wanted to run, so many emotions at one time. I wanted to run to her side and pull the needle out her arm. why me i kept asking no one in particular. I stopped believing in God when i was 6 years old. I didn't believe in him anymore because if he existed; the hand that i was dealt would have never been dealt to me. Royal flush? Nah i was royally fucked as my grandma said before she died. I didn't know who to blame for the crime scene i stood in front of. Do i blame her; my mom who layed there, most likely dead for good this time. Should I blame the needle in her arm which got her shot? Did i blame the now non-existent holy being who people claimed lived above me? the shooter? The crack? WHO'S FAULT WAS THIS? Mines???
I mean I stood there and did nothing. I know i could have done something. I could have stopped it, i could have cried, screamed, yelled, fought, did something right?. I was only 9 years old and would have to live with the fact that i let my mother die. I killed her. I might as well had pulled the trigger to the gun that shot the bullet that may or may not have killed her.
Before i realized what was happening the man in black grabbed me by my arm and I yelled "Mommmaaa get up please help meeee mommmaaa" He pushed me down and said a bad word. I cant say it, but I'll say something that rhymed with it ... "Shut the 'Truck' Up". I wasn't going to listen to him, he shot my mom, did he think I would really listen to him? I yelled for her again hoping maybe she wasn't dead. Maybe she would save me like that time when we were in that crack house on Sutphin. I cried and whimpered then i heard a zipper and felt a hand go over my mouth and a pain that I wont be able to erase for years. I couldn't yell it hurt so much. Instead I cried and decided that day, God was a fraud, he was fake, theres no way he was real, if he was real he would just whisper to this man on top of me hurting me "Just Kill Her". Even though i didn't believe in him I prayed to him anyway to just let the man kill me. The guy didn't so, i knew there was no such thing as God.